16-new-england-aquarium-wedding-leah-haydock

BREAKING: Beer, Wine Sales Expanded To St. Ignatius Sunday Mass

ST. IGNATIUS CHURCH — On Friday morning, the Parish of St. Ignatius of Loyola announced that it would begin expanding its communion offerings to all parish masses starting with the 10:00 AM service this Sunday, December 3.

This decision appears to have been inspired by the recent actions of the Boston College Athletic Department, which just expanded alcohol sales to Conte Forum after successfully introducing the pilot program in Alumni Stadium during the 2017 football season. In addition to the sacramental wine that is usually offered during communion, parishioners will be able to choose from a variety of higher-end wines and beers to partake in the blood of Jesus Christ.

“We really feel that this will enhance the overall experience of this essential sacrament,” said Rev. John Hoynes, S.J. “Catholicism and drinking have been intertwined since the beginning of time itself, and it is important for us to provide our parishioners with quality booze while they reflect on Jesus’ ultimate sacrifice.”

Mass attendees will be able to purchase their choice of beverage and have it blessed by a priest so it becomes the blood of Christ. The parish of St. Ignatius will be the first parish in the country to pioneer this program, and has signed a five-year exclusive deal with Anheuser-Busch.

Father Kevin, S.J., the youngest of the Jesuit order at Boston College, was the driving force behind expanding the communion offerings at Mass.

“I saw how well it worked at the football games and thought, ‘Hey, why not?’ These days you really have to think outside the box to inspire young people to come out and support the original home team, Jesus Christ,” Fr. Kevin said in an email to The Classic.

At press time, a number of BC Dining managers has just been called to an emergency meeting to discuss the possibility of adding Four Loko to dining hall soda fountains.

LEAVE A COMMENT

chefs@thenewenglandclassic.com

Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.