BREAKING: Beer, Wine Sales Expanded To St. Ignatius Sunday Mass

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ST. IGNATIUS CHURCH — On Friday morning, the Parish of St. Ignatius of Loyola announced that it would begin expanding its communion offerings to all parish masses starting with the 10:00 AM service this Sunday, December 3. This decision appears to have been inspired by the recent actions of the Boston College Athletic Department, which […]

Opinion: Your Relationship From High School Is Definitely Doomed

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Thanksgiving. T-h-a-n-k-s-giving. It’s that annual time of year. Freshmen college students will at last migrate home for the first significant amount of time since the summer. Students can look forward to seeing their pets, eating home-cooked meals, and arguing with their parents. Their long distance relationships from high school are long distance no more. Romeo […]

Addazio To Miss Fenway Game Due To Fear Of Green Monster

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FENWAY PARK — Stating that they always knew this was a possibility, sources within BC Athletics report that head coach Steve Addazio is expected to miss this weekend’s football game against UConn due to his immense phobia of the “Green Monster.” While ardent Boston sports fans may know that the Green Monster refers to the left field […]

Freshman Can’t Sleep With The Thought Of 48Hours Roommate Being With Someone Else

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CHEVERUS HALL — In the weeks following his 48Hours retreat to Plymouth, Massachusetts, freshman Derek Smalls (CSOM ‘21) has developed severe insomnia. Sources close to Smalls report that his inability to sleep is due to the fact that he misses the warmth of his 48Hours bedmate’s body next to him and can’t bear the thought […]

Anxious Junior Worried She Might Step Outside Comfort Zone Abroad

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FOSTER STREET — Rachel Weber (MCAS ’19) has been planning her spring semester in Parma, Italy for months now. However, as she begins to think about what her time abroad will bring, the nerves are starting to set in. “I know it will be okay,” explained Weber, who will be taking 5 classes in English […]

Students Complain College Curriculum Getting In The Way Of Sleepaway Camp

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CHESTNUT HILL — The Office of Student Services has reported a major increase in the volume of complaints in the past 14 days. Calls and emails have been pouring in from distraught students from Walsh to Newton Campus complaining that the school work being assigned to them is interfering with their dream summer camp experience. One […]

Tough Guy Still Wearing Shorts

WALSH HALL — After a grueling process of deliberation, the coveted honor of “Toughest Guy on Campus” was unanimously awarded to local student Hunter McGlintey (CSOM ‘20), who has continued to wear shorts into the frigid 40 degree temperatures of recent weeks. In a recent interview outside of his Walsh 8-man suite, McGlintey confirmed to […]

Sophomore Accidentally Launches Nuclear Strike On Russia With UIS

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NATO HQ, BRUSSELS — Innocently attempting to sign up for next semester’s classes on UIS early Friday morning, sophomore Harry Wood managed to quite literally set the world aflame when he accidentally launched 24 Trident Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles towards targets in Russia from a US Navy Ohio-class submarine stationed off the coast of Syria. “I […]

“I’m Fine,” Reports Becky’s Instagram

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LOYOLA HALL — Stating that everything seemed normal, local Boston College freshmen confirmed that Becky’s Instagram makes it seem like she’s doing okay during her first year of college. This confirmation comes after last month’s feigned concern from third-floor residents of Loyola that something might have affected Becky’s psychological well-being. Becky has been seen spending […]

Peer Reviewer’s Essay Fucking Sucks

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STOKES NORTH — First Year Writing Seminar is a special part of every Eagle’s freshman year at BC. Around midterm season, things started to get intense for local freshman, Barry Portabella (MCAS ‘21), whose assigned peer reviewer for his rhetoric essay apparently “fucking sucks” at writing. Portabella has been published in two separate independent magazines, […]

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