Sophomore Guy’s Masculinity Hanging On By Thread Of Embroidered Club Sports Patagonia

THE RAT — After an exhausting semester that consisted of seemingly letdown after letdown, Dan Wellington’s (MCAS ’19) masculinity was reportedly entirely dependent on his embroidered Boston College Men’s Crew Patagonia Snap-T.  “I still don’t have a summer internship, I realized I don’t want to be friends with my roommates anymore, and I’m struggling finding out where I fit in at this school,” confessed the hesitatingly tearful sophomore. “The only thing keeping me from breaking down amidst all the problems in my life is this sick embroidered Patagonia.”

Wellington added that the pullover gives him a sense, albeit superficial, of purpose and identity. “After a rough year, this pullover gives me a sense of security in my masculinity. It’s like, ‘Look at me! Gaze upon the embroidery on my chest! My life is in complete and utter disarray, and I don’t know what my passion is, but at least I belong to a team!’ I’m faking it until I make it, I suppose. Since I can’t quite come to terms with my true self, I’ll have to present Sports Team Dan to the world for the time being.”

Sources close to Wellington report that he sleeps with the Patagonia Snap-T on during especially difficult times, including when he lost 8-0 to Manny in FIFA, when Sarah hooked up with Kevin instead of him, and whenever he has a lackluster workout at the Plex. “In times of trouble, that embroidered sweatshirt is a honing device for his masculinity and sense of purpose at Boston College. I honestly don’t know if he would still be enrolled at this school if it weren’t for that thing,” reported one of Wellington’s roommates, who was granted anonymity for the sake of the interview.

At press time, Wellington had misplaced his Patagonia pullover and has already skipped three classes in an attempt to find it somewhere in his Walsh common room.


Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.