Health Services To Begin Inserting Tiny Crucifixes In Place of IUDs
2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE— In a stunning and unprecedented leap into the pool of twenty-first century healthcare, University Health Services has decided to hop on board with the reproductive rights movement that began almost exactly 57 years ago on May 9, 1960, when the FDA approved the first birth control pill. Starting in the fall, UHS will allow students to schedule insertions of the newest form of long-acting non-hormonal birth control: tiny crucifixes implanted in the uterus to prevent pregnancy.
These implants work by raising the concentration of Catholic guilt in the bloodstream to therapeutic levels, triggering the “Hail Mary” response in the medial temporal lobe and resulting in a sharp increase in fear of eternal damnation. Sexually active students may experience crippling insecurity for the first 3-6 months post-insertion, as they realize they are immodest heathens who know nothing of the sanctity of marriage and, as such, are invariably disappointing their parents, confirmation sponsors, and future spouses all at once.
On a scale of “crown of thorns” to “Christ’s stigmata” patients can expect the insertion pain of this procedure to be most like a “Jesus falls the second time.” To treat the pain, Jesuits, who UHS professionals report are basically as qualified as obstetricians and gynecologists, suggest students douche with holy water and take communion by mouth after fasting for one hour.
If this initiative succeeds, University Health Services has several other collaborations with the Jesuits in the works, such as condoms made of the Dead Sea Scrolls, STD tests for the weight of the shame you’ve been carrying since you hooked up with that dude from last weekend, and pregnancy tests that detect the presence of the Lord made Flesh through the Spirit in your womb.