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Freshman Can’t Sleep With The Thought Of 48Hours Roommate Being With Someone Else

CHEVERUS HALL — In the weeks following his 48Hours retreat to Plymouth, Massachusetts, freshman Derek Smalls (CSOM ‘21) has developed severe insomnia. Sources close to Smalls report that his inability to sleep is due to the fact that he misses the warmth of his 48Hours bedmate’s body next to him and can’t bear the thought of him sleeping next to anyone else.

Smalls’ bedmate, Peter Biggs (MCAS ‘21), currently resides in Duchesne East, a devastating 1.2 miles away from Smalls’ forced triple on Upper Campus. Biggs informed the Classic that he now sleeps alone in his lofted extra-long bed, despite Smalls’ suspicions that he was spending his nights cuddled up next to “some other chump who probably doesn’t even know that [Biggs] likes to sleep with one foot hanging off the bed.”

“I thought it was a little strange that they make you share beds, but [Smalls] seemed pretty happy about it,” reported Biggs. “He kept introducing me to the people in his group and telling them that we were sleeping together. I hope they didn’t get the wrong idea—not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.”

Biggs’ current roommate, who wished to remain anonymous for safety purposes, has confirmed that Biggs sleeps alone “most nights, except when he has a bad dream.” He has, however, suspiciously declined Smalls’ repeated requests for photographic evidence of Biggs sleeping alone, claiming that this would be “creepy” and “kinda weird, don’t you think?”

At press time, Smalls was seen composing a late night text to Biggs that would be the perfect combination of chill and caring. Reports indicate he had narrowed it down to either “u up?” or “hey wyd?”

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