Junior Abroad Without Internship Prospects Joins French Foreign Legion

With only three weeks remaining in his semester at Paris’ Université D’Anglais S’il Vous Plaît, and with almost no internship prospects, study abroad student Chadwick Sperry (CSOM ‘16) was faced with a tough decision: return home to Deerfield, Mass., and work as a camp counselor through the summer, or destroy all remnants of his identity and enlist in the French Foreign Legion.

“Listen, it was a hard choice for me to make at first,” commented Sperry, while polishing his 5.56-millimeter FAMAS and occasionally glancing down its sights. “But you can’t sell finger paint, you know? And the people at the Career Center said this is the summer that really counts. Like, really fucking counts. You know, man?”

Certain that membership in the Legion, chock full of fleeing revolutionaries and career mercenaries, would “totally pad [his] résumé,” Sperry will soon be starting his second week of basic training. In the ensuing month, he will learn how to coldly dispatch enemy targets, repeatedly be made to run miles of scorching hot gravel barefoot, and endure harassment from both commanding officers and fellow recruits – gradually tearing his psyche and soul to shreds. His eventual place of service, while unconfirmed, could very well be an isolated outpost on one of Africa’s easternmost islands, where he would be deprived of even the most common comforts.

“I mean, it’s not ideal,” said Sperry, who adjusted his kepi and continued to march with his unit. “I wanted to visit my girlfriend, over at Penn State, for Arts Fest. And that’s looking less and less likely now. But I’m going to be getting a lot of practical work experience this summer, you know? Like, sellable experience. And that’s always good – Allez, allez, allez! Move, you fuckers! Sorry. Anyway, there’s plenty of teambuilding that goes on with this organization, and that’s solid.”

The organization itself, under which Sperry expects to work until early August, will almost assuredly hold the junior student to the 5-year commitment he unintentionally made while signing his rights away to the French government. As for payment, while recruits are typically awarded a monthly salary of €1,200, the Legion will most definitely offer Sperry one college credit for his service – probably way after the March 29th deadline for application to the EAGLE Summer Internship Stipend Program, too. 





Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.