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Opinion: Your Relationship From High School Is Definitely Doomed

Thanksgiving. T-h-a-n-k-s-giving. It’s that annual time of year. Freshmen college students will at last migrate home for the first significant amount of time since the summer. Students can look forward to seeing their pets, eating home-cooked meals, and arguing with their parents. Their long distance relationships from high school are long distance no more. Romeo and Juliet, together at last. These couples are finally ready to have sex, break up, or both!

Congratulations! Most high school couples made the rational decision to break up before college, but you decided to stick it out, despite the odds. It’s really admirable that you think your situation is unique, and that virtually every authority figure’s advice is somehow wrong. You’ve had three wonderful sexless months of being apart but that has only made you two grow closer, right? Oh, she wants to have a talk? That’s great! You love talking. Your quality conversations are one of the main reasons you decided to stay together instead of getting out there and making new friends at college.

It’s perfectly okay to have mixed feelings about being home. Losing your newfound college independence has got to suck, but at least you can drive again. It’s time to visit your girlfriend and have sex at last. You ask dad for the car keys, but first you’ve got to refill the ice tray in the freezer. Dad needs ice for whiskey on the rocks and after you fill the tray, it’s time to go get your rocks off.

Lustful eyes meet. Before your girlfriend, Petra, can open her mouth to speak, you immediately embrace her in a kiss, weirdly like a dementor from Harry Potter, but with more tongue. The smooch of the era. In a whir of physical motions, Petra moves the action to her basement couch. Hooo boy are you gonna get it! Your pants come off immediately: you knew those stripper pants you borrowed would come in handy. You’re already rock hard. Her pants? Gone, as if a thief stole them in the night. Except, you took the pants, so that makes you the thief. A thief who’s about to get laid. You and Petra connect in a carnal union for a sweet, sweet minute and a half. It was over almost as quickly as it began.

Petra speaks. She doesn’t want to be your girlfriend anymore, saying something about you being too fixated on sex and viewing her only as an everywoman who represents a high school girlfriend for a satire piece. Shocking. Your heart plummets: in one cataclysmic night you’ve lost both your virginity and your first love. Now you understand that love isn’t real: it’s just a neurological con job meant to perpetuate the species. Your mind turns to the existence of God, but before you go down that rabbit hole you should really leave Petra’s house. Hush now, it’s ok. You will make it through this, my sweet summer child.

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Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.