Reservoir Geese Appalled By Couple Making Out On Bench

CHESTNUT HILL RESERVOIR — In a surprise public statement released on Monday, the head goose of the Reservoir Waterfowl Flock expressed his dismay at the lewd actions that regularly occur on reservoir benches. According to the spokesbird, the most recent incident took place on Saturday night, shortly after a freshman couple that couldn’t quite muster up the courage to ask each other back to their forced triples allegedly settled for going on a “romantic stroll” around the res.

Although both students later returned to Upper Campus in high spirits, the evening ended in disaster for the morally upstanding geese who happened to be in viewing distance of the couple. The geese in question were absolutely shocked by the “blatant disregard for the youth and innocence of our goslings,” and are demanding an official apology from the entire Boston College student body.

“We always try to be friendly, mingling on the path, peacefully accepting bread, but I think our trust has really been abused by this couple,” squawked the head of the flock. “Where’s the decency these days?”

This is not the first time the local waterfowl community has spoken out against the horrors of human horniness, and many flock members are wondering why the invasive student species refuses to take their mating activities somewhere private, not inhabited by a thriving avian population, and generally more appropriate for “public beaking.”

Though still unsubstantiated, there are multiple reports of radical geese within the community who may take action if there is not a significant decline in public displays of waterside affection. If these claims are to be taken seriously, retaliation may include intense honking, defecation on running paths, and a generally hostile atmosphere where there was once a peaceful haven for humans and geese to exist in harmony. In any case, couples looking for a hot and heavy lovenest are advised to take a gander elsewhere.

At press time, the local rabbit population had just issued their own public statement, condemning the student body for not making the most of the ample supply of bushes and shrubs dispersed around campus.


Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.