Juniors Desperately Praying To Live In Cramped Shithole
THE MODS—In a cultural phenomenon completely inexplicable to outsiders of the Boston College community, juniors of the class of 2017 combine their collective energy in desperate prayer that they will be able to live in a cramped shithole during their senior year. Even if the new dorm at 2150 Comm. Ave promises to be a sparklingly luxurious living experience, the majority of juniors “couldn’t give a shit” about quality or comfort when it comes to their housing. The overwhelming majority agree that they would rather live in the tiny neighborhood of modular houses on Lower Campus.
“The allure of the Mods, it seems, transcends logic,” said sociology professor Dr. Ashley Andrews, explaining why intelligent college students would deliberately choose to live in downtrodden, 40-year-old shacks. “Yes, they were built in the 70’s as a quick fix for a shortage of on-campus housing and have limped through history since then. Yes, their doubles and bathrooms are tiny and other senior housing is far nicer. And yes, Fr. Leahy wants them destroyed in order to more efficiently use space on an already crowded Lower Campus.” However, Andrews says, these negatives are “absolutely insignificant” to Boston College students, who would give just about anything to live in a Mod.
Junior Alex Ramirez (CSOM ‘17), who wants a Mod “so fucking bad he might spontaneously combust if he doesn’t get one,” offered his perspective: “We live on a campus where social status is won or lost based on random assignment, you understand? I want nothing more than to live in red, wooden, prefabricated housing with five of my closest friends. I don’t need one of them newfangled dishwashing machines—I’ll clean the dishes with leftover Natural Light and Rubinoff! I have so many interior design ideas! I need a Mod! I need a Mod! I’ll do anything! Anything you ask, God! I’m on my knees, praying to you! I haven’t prayed to you since the pregnancy scare back in Walsh, and you really pulled through for me then, even if I didn’t pull out! I respect you, God! And I like your son, Jesus, too! I’m not too keen on the Holy Spirit, but that conversation is for another time! We always talk about being men and women for others, no? Well, if I’m given a Mod I will be the most man for others this campus has ever seen! Anyone who comes in my Mod will get an ice-cold brew and a compliment within seven seconds of stepping inside! All would be welcome inside my Mod! Oh sweet Buddha, I’m talking to you, too. I need it so bad! Hear my prayer, celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain! Cook me up a delicious pick time with alfredo pesto sauce and USDA-approved meats! I would have you over to my Mod for a tailgate, Mr. Bourdain! We could cook before a football game together on my grill! Anything you want, sir! Anything! I want to do terrible things inside that tiny domicile that I will not be able to get away with in the real world, when my JP Morgan internship inevitably turns into a full-time offer!” After excessively foaming from the mouth and fainting, Ramirez was unavailable for further comment.
At press time, polls showed that virgin freshman sacrifice was not out of the question for 87% of housing groups if it improved their pick time. And, no matter what, at least no one has to live in Edmond’s. RIP.