Screen Shot 2016-03-16 at 2.40.57 PM

BC Unveils New Motto: “Men And Women For Others Who Are Straight And Have Two Working Legs”

CHESTNUT HILL—This past weekend, the faculty and staff of Boston College were required to attend a lecture and small-group workshop to unveil a new modification of the Jesuit, Catholic university’s well-known motto “Men and Women for Others.” The revised motto, “Men and Women for Others Who Are Straight And Have Two Working Legs,” is the university’s direct response to stifle so-called “progressive” students who are becoming increasingly concerned with issues of social justice and equality. The workshop focused on continuing the university’s legacy of reacting with apathy and inaction to concerns about handicap accessibility, and many attendees believe that this new motto will stifle any “big ideas” that tuition payers students have for protest or reform.

“We want students to know what they’re getting into when they attend this prestigious university,” said administrator Don Logan. “The biggest cause of unhappiness and disease is unmet expectations. So, here we are, telling students exactly what to expect at Boston College! If you’re not able-bodied, it’s going to be hard to get around. If you’re not heterosexual, you will not enjoy the same welcoming campus environment, adorned with resources, that other schools have. Now you know!”

During the discussion portion of the event, Sociology professor Lara Odilie reportedly dared to voice her concerns about the institution’s infamous ableism: “Hey, guys, isn’t it kind of messed up that the Braille on the doorframes is illegible and incorrect? Or that nearly every building has areas that are inaccessible for students who cannot use stairs? The number of stairs here is like some sick joke. And when it gets icy, the campus is even more dangerous for those who require wheels to get around.” Her colleagues simply shrugged, noting that the small population of the university that exhibits physical disability, nor a federal investigation for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act, are not significant enough reasons to merit funding, prioritization, and action.

“Besides,” pointed out chemistry professor Willhelm Manu, “wouldn’t it be so much more fun to use 200 million dollars to build an athletic facility, with all the coolest new sport toys, for everyone to use, provided they have bodies that fit the idealized norm? I think yes!”

Concerns about LGBT issues were also placed firmly on the back burner, with no mention of the school’s refusal to host the rotating LGBT issues conference for Jesuit colleges in the United States. Fondly, attendees reminisced about the good old days when BC did not even admit women, and brainstormed ideas for the future to continue to marginalize students whose identities fall outside BC’s heteronormative mold. When some attendees asked what this term means, senior members of the board explained that it, like the letters of the LGBTQIA+ acronym, doesn’t matter. They laughed as newer members of the BC family proposed ideas such as a gender-neutral bathroom or a resource area for LBGTQIA+ students that has actual funding or is allowed to promote events.

“At least we only have Men and Women to worry about. Can you imagine if the binary were an illusion?” said a professor of Sexuality and Gender. His colleagues nodded in agreement that this is indeed an exhaustive list. According to many faculty and staff members at the gathering, it is clear that the capital “m” Men and woMen of this university have everything they need. A particularly vocal professor stated that, “Now that we’re officially Men and Women for Others who are Straight, it is really charitable of us to give those who are different from us a place on this campus. I mean, the gays have several mentions on the Boston College website and we deserve recognition for being such great allies.”

Admiring the crucifix on the wall, another professor said firmly, “We do what we can for the gays, I just get uncomfortable when it’s continuously shoved in our faces. Thank God our new motto really spells it out for them.”

Father William Leahy, SJ, gave the keynote speech, saying, “Boston College is a university built on tradition, and that means we must resist all pressures to change with the times. We live in an old campus built in a different era, and we must preserve its sacred inaccessibility.” He closed with a statement of Catholic wisdom for the ages: “Remember, Jesus was straight and able bodied.”

LEAVE A COMMENT

chefs@thenewenglandclassic.com

Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.