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That Ornament Doesn’t Go There

YOUR PARENTS’ HOUSE – No, honey, that doesn’t go there. No, it doesn’t! That’s a strong branch, and you’ve got a hollow ornament on it. And that’s not even a special one, it doesn’t belong on front side. That’s a souvenir from Jenny’s trip to Fort Knox. We don’t need a plastic, spray-painted gold bar hanging front-and-center. Put it somewhere on the left side, around the back there next to Captain Picard and Frosty. Look, I don’t care if all the tacky ones are in one place, no one will see them over there. No, I’m sure Jenny won’t mind, she’s into the eggnog as soon as she gets here anyway. That’s much better, thank you.

Ok now look, you can’t put that ornament there either, you need something nice and big to fill that space, make sure you find a good branch for it. Fine, take the Rockefeller Center ball down. There’s too many balls in that quadrant anyway, try on the top right. Yes, people do call them quadrants, I think I would know. No, I’m not just moving stuff around to keep myself busy, damn it. I’ll get an earful from Tracy if this tree isn’t fucking perfect, okay? We don’t need another “Three Consecutive Nativity Scenes” disaster again, do we? No, we don’t. They still bring that up at Stitch ‘n’ Bitch. So thanks for nothing, Clark. Yes Clark, dear, it was you. Quit muttering under your breath and get me another glass of wine.

Can you replace the Gasson Hall one with Danny’s from Notre Dame? Oh please, you know exactly why! As if I would advertise such things…we might as well put your eighth-grade diploma up there, too. Make sure the half-assed, nine-year-old paper ones that your aunt pretended your cousins made are far enough apart to seem innocuous, but close enough for her to notice that we hung them. Well I don’t know, just pick a branch and see how it looks! Do I need to hold your hand for every step of this? Ricky, can you ask your brother if he brought any Adderall home from school with him? That’s a good boy, three or four should do it. This is looking like an all-nighter.

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