Roommate Concerningly Unphased By Mysterious Beige Spot On Mattress

90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Over the last week, disturbing reports have circulated around Lower Campus suggesting that Mark Connors (CSOM ‘20) doesn’t seem to mind the odd beige stain on his standard-issue Boston College mattress. Ear-witness accounts confirm that, yesterday, Mark called the mystery stain, “not that big of a deal.” Connected friend groups are appropriately baffled.

Investigators are still trying to ascertain the origin of the light-brown, vaguely sticky substance. Mark’s roommates were quick to speak out about their experience — Alex Jennings (LSOE ‘20), the first to move in two weeks ago, said, “When I got to my new room in Ninety, the spot was already there, so I called the other bed. No one breaks the sacred pact of bed-calling. I thought the new guy would have to deal with it, but it’s like he doesn’t even care.” Shaking his head in disbelief, Alex added, “He didn’t even sleep with sheets the first two nights. Sick freak.”

Timothy Stone (MCAS ‘20) chimed in shortly after. “I mean, what is that thing? A shitstain? Spilled coffee? Puke from parties-gone-by? A month ago we didn’t even know the guy. Now he’s watching Rick and Morty and rubbing his ass all up in some guy’s mystery fluid.” Adding on that he had other cleanliness concerns, Tim expressed his dislike for some of Mark’s sanitation habits: “He just, like, leaves cups all around the room that we have to pick up… I mean, we should pick them up, probably.”

As rumors continue to spread, Boston College officials spoke out this morning, stating that, while puke-green is the confirmed standard-issue color for all BC mattresses, they would not be charging extra for the beige.

At press time, Connors declined to comment, but was seen totally not changing his sheets for, like, a month and a half.


Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.