Off-Campus Junior Without Meal Plan Attends Mass 3 Times a Day for Eucharist

Except for the majority of your friends that have their parents pay for fucking everything, Boston College students are no strangers to the burden of collegiate expenses. Nonetheless, living on the brink of starvation was not something Junior Mike Cassidy (MCAS ’17) had anticipated upon returning to Chestnut Hill this semester. Living among a shanty town of off-campus dwellings known as Radnor Road, Cassidy’s complete lack of meal plan money quickly drove him to a malnourished state. Surrounded by college students devoid of generosity, suffering from a horrid gastrointestinal reaction to El Pelon, and possessing a complete inability to cook even the simplest of meals, the only place Cassidy could locate some scraps of food lay in the tax-free body of Jesus Christ.

Each day, Cassidy attends morning, midday and evening mass at St. Ignatius Church, giving him a steady stream of sustenance from communion wafers, with the added bonus of free alcohol in the form of delicious, drought-causing Napa Valley red wine Jesus’ blood.

“I’ve had four different Jesuits walk up to me after Mass and ask if everything is okay. Yeah sure guys, everything’s great! School is going well so far, my family is great, and I’m resorting to going to Church for sustenance just so I don’t keel over and get dragged away into the basement by the rats in my off-campus house,” remarked Cassidy.

“We really feel bad for the boy, something horrible must’ve happened for him to be so devout in his prayers, bless him. Perhaps he has gout?” mused local parishioner and 83-year old woman Elaine MacGregor while wiping away a solitary tear.

“He knows we run, like, 10 different local food banks, right?” remarked local Catholic Charities representative Smith T. Wellerby. “And added bonus, at these places you can volunteer to help out without worrying about whether or not you’ll pass the application stage! Wait, they don’t tell you guys at BC about this option? Yeah we like, really really really need volunteers.”

At press time, Cassidy was shoving Odwallas into his embroidered shorts pockets in Mac and stealing them right in front of the oblivious cashiers – just like he used to do freshmen year.


Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.