• robzombie

    Plex Bro Takes Good Look Around Before Set to Make Sure People Are Watching

    FLYNN RECREATION COMPLEX — Standing in front of the cable machine while mentally preparing himself for another set of a tricep exercise, frequent Plex-goer Rob Schlossman (CSOM ‘19) checked his surroundings to ensure that someone would be watching him work out. Unable to find anyone at first, the sophomore eventually established brief eye contact with […]

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    WTF, ResLife? Why Is My Dad Moving Out Of The House?

    Four words about ResLife? Worst. University Office. Ever. Allow me to explain: The FAT CATS in the Boston College Office of Residential Life think they’re all HIGH AND MIGHTY—especially this week—because they control housing decisions at Boston College. They mock students on Twitter with GIFs, reveling in their ephemeral relevancy and using humor to create […]

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    This Homeless Man Doesn’t Get To Live In Walsh, Either

    Every March at Boston College, countless groups of eight freshman are devastated after not receiving a pick time early enough for one of Lower Campus’ coveted suites. Instead, they are forced to break up into smaller groups and cross their fingers for a nine-man—or even just a double in 66. They make jokes around dining […]

  • meatball

    ResLife Clerical Error Gives One Lucky Freshman Housing In Meatball Obsession Stand

    LOWER CAMPUS — As many Boston College freshmen continue their frantic social scramble to secure housing for next year, one lucky student will be living somewhere a little more unique than the typical sophomore housing options, thanks to a clerical error by an entry-level ResLife employee. Vito Anthony Bertucci, Jr. (MCAS ’20) will spend his […]

  • reschoice

    “ResChoice” Students Demand More Say In Housing Process

    OFFICE OF RESIDENTIAL LIFE — A new protest movement on campus has started to gain noticeable traction this week, as hundreds of students are coming together to express their frustration with the notoriously tedious Boston College room selection process. These student activists, who describe themselves as “ResChoice,” are finally speaking up after years of oppression […]

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There Will Be No Technology Allowed In My Classroom, Except For These Bop-Its

Hello, class. Welcome to your first day of Postcolonial Gender Dynamics In Western Society! As all of you are upperclassmen, I won’t waste time by going over every last sentence on the syllabus—I expect you to have done that on your own time. However, there are a couple of things that I’d like to point […]

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Snapchat Story Totally Has State School Friends Fooled

GONZAGA HALL — Looking back through his Snapchat story from the night before, Jack Henderson (CSOM ’20) knew he had totally nailed it. The scenes he had successfully captured from his evening were so sick and absolutely absurd. “It’s exactly what I needed to prove Brent and Chad wrong,” explained the former co-captain of the […]

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Sophomores Miss Tree Lighting Ceremony For “Tree Lighting” Ceremony

VANDERSLICE HALL — Sophomore roommates Francis Dankstin (MCAS ‘19) and Kieran Kushnitz (MCAS ‘19) skipped out on CAB’s Tuesday night tree lighting ceremony on O’Neill Plaza in order to partake in a tree lighting ceremony of their own. Although the pair failed to make the trek from their 8-man in Vandy, sources say they managed to […]

Worse Than Being Fired: Addazio Family Forced To Spend Christmas In Detroit

Worse Than Being Fired: Addazio Family Forced To Celebrate Christmas In Detroit

“I’m hoping the team can get together and do some tackling drills in an abandonded automobile factory. What’s better than dudes being dudes, crushing each others skulls among the ruins of American industry?”

chefs@thenewenglandclassic.com

Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.