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    2,300 Diplomas Sent To BCBlackWhitePrintQueue

    O’NEILL LIBRARY — Mass hysteria erupted throughout the Heights on Monday morning, as University President Father William P. Leahy, S.J. announced that all diplomas for the Class of 2017 will be distributed digitally, and may only be accessed via the graduates’ individual print queues. This unconventional delivery method breaks from the 140-year-old tradition of handing […]

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    Campus Nerds Announce Plan To Hand In Finals Early

    BAPST LIBRARY — In a rallying cry to all nerds on campus, a group of bespectacled, tweed-wearing students took to the lawn of Bapst early Monday to announce a plan to turn in their final exams before even three-quarters of the exam time had passed. The proposal was heralded by the dweebs of Boston College […]

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    4 Students Die Of Dysentery On Journey For Empty Classroom To Study In

    STOKES SOUTH — Tragedy struck a group of 4 Boston College sophomores this afternoon, who all died of dysentery on the long and arduous journey in search of an empty classroom for their group to study in. The group set out on their quest with nothing but their books and a horse-drawn carriage shortly after […]

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    Sophomore Guy’s Masculinity Hanging On By Thread Of Embroidered Club Sports Patagonia

    THE RAT — After an exhausting semester that consisted of seemingly letdown after letdown, Dan Wellington’s (MCAS ’19) masculinity was reportedly entirely dependent on his embroidered Boston College Men’s Crew Patagonia Snap-T.  “I still don’t have a summer internship, I realized I don’t want to be friends with my roommates anymore, and I’m struggling finding […]

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    Professor With Doctorate Can’t Rotate PDF Documents

    BOSTONCOLLEGE.INSTRUCTURE.COM — Uploading documents to her class’ Canvas page, Professor Sheela McGuire, could not figure out how to rotate the PDF documents of readings she assigned her Gender & Sexuality class to do. As a result, the frustrated professor reportedly uploaded the documents sideways. “Uhh… my students should be able to figure this out,” said […]

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“God Best Experienced In This Hot Tub,” Reports Vacationing Jesuit

TURKS AND CAICOS ISLANDS — After ordering several fruity drinks and stripping down from his robes, Fr. Tommy O’Harrison, SJ, who treated himself to a vacation over Boston College’s spring break, reportedly came to the divine realization on Sunday afternoon that God was best experienced in the exact jacuzzi at The Palms Turks And Caicos he was in […]

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Students Gear Up To Do Exact Same Thing With Exact Same People In Different Country

NOT BOSTON COLLEGE — Hustling and bustling around campus and cramming in last-minute studying for midterms this week, hundreds of Boston College students collectively expressed their excitement to spend their impending spring break doing the exact same things with the exact same people, but in a different country. Students have already made great preparations for their […]

Social Degenerate Sits Down 2 Seats Away From Strangers In The Rat

LYONS HALL — Mass hysteria broke out in The Rat last Thursday afternoon when Reggie Euler (MCAS ‘20) paid for his meal, grabbed a few napkins, and proceeded to sit down at the empty corner of an otherwise occupied table. Apparently oblivious to clearly established social norms, Euler then boldly set down his cup of […]

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MBTA B Line Renovation Will Add 47 New Stops

NEAR DUNKIN DONUTS — The Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (MBTA) announced this week that it will be redesigning the “B” Branch of the Green Line to include significantly more stops. The current plan, announced at Boston City Hall yesterday, slates for 47 new stops on the “B” line, which according to transportation experts, should make the […]

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