• robzombie

    Plex Bro Takes Good Look Around Before Set to Make Sure People Are Watching

    FLYNN RECREATION COMPLEX — Standing in front of the cable machine while mentally preparing himself for another set of a tricep exercise, frequent Plex-goer Rob Schlossman (CSOM ‘19) checked his surroundings to ensure that someone would be watching him work out. Unable to find anyone at first, the sophomore eventually established brief eye contact with […]

  • pexels-photo-235355

    WTF, ResLife? Why Is My Dad Moving Out Of The House?

    Four words about ResLife? Worst. University Office. Ever. Allow me to explain: The FAT CATS in the Boston College Office of Residential Life think they’re all HIGH AND MIGHTY—especially this week—because they control housing decisions at Boston College. They mock students on Twitter with GIFs, reveling in their ephemeral relevancy and using humor to create […]

  • 1334x1000-jpeg-564c52a1d1704f6589623a102eff6e35

    This Homeless Man Doesn’t Get To Live In Walsh, Either

    Every March at Boston College, countless groups of eight freshman are devastated after not receiving a pick time early enough for one of Lower Campus’ coveted suites. Instead, they are forced to break up into smaller groups and cross their fingers for a nine-man—or even just a double in 66. They make jokes around dining […]

  • meatball

    ResLife Clerical Error Gives One Lucky Freshman Housing In Meatball Obsession Stand

    LOWER CAMPUS — As many Boston College freshmen continue their frantic social scramble to secure housing for next year, one lucky student will be living somewhere a little more unique than the typical sophomore housing options, thanks to a clerical error by an entry-level ResLife employee. Vito Anthony Bertucci, Jr. (MCAS ’20) will spend his […]

  • reschoice

    “ResChoice” Students Demand More Say In Housing Process

    OFFICE OF RESIDENTIAL LIFE — A new protest movement on campus has started to gain noticeable traction this week, as hundreds of students are coming together to express their frustration with the notoriously tedious Boston College room selection process. These student activists, who describe themselves as “ResChoice,” are finally speaking up after years of oppression […]



Party Finally Busy, Loud Enough For Student To Forget He’s Not Having Fun

WALSH HALL — As a bustling group of twelve buzzed students flooded into the book-and-booze-filled common room of Walsh 405 on Saturday night for the highly anticipated “Librarian Bros and Dewey Decimal System Hoes” party and R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)” began to blast on the gigantic speakers, sophomore Ryan Quinn (MCAS ‘19) finally forgot that […]


Overly Competitive Freshman Male Attempts to Complete 48Hours Trip In Just One Day

FALMOUTH, MA — In a last-minute move after hearing that most of his friends were going,  Stephen Harrington (CSOM ‘20) charged his parents’ credit card to pay for his admission into Boston College’s 48Hours program for this upcoming weekend. Harrington’s objective was simple: “I’m going to complete this little retreat faster than anyone ever has before […]


Students Thrilled To Know Leahy Cares, Even Happier To Know He’s Alive And Well

BOSTON COLLEGE — The Heights broke news earlier this evening that President Fr. William P. Leahy, S.J., signed a statement supporting Boston College’s commitment to protecting its undocumented students by holding up President Obama’s executive order, Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA). Because DACA may be in danger of being repealed under the Trump administration, […]


Career Center Realizing Students’ Majors Inspired Entirely By Netflix Queue

BOSTON COLLEGE CAREER CENTER — Sitting alone in his office after a hectic day of meeting students to discuss their futures, career counselor Stanley Keyworth poured himself a stiff drink as he came to painful realization. After fourteen years of trying to help students discover their own answers to the questions, “What are you good […]


Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.