• 78268691

    An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy

    After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. (All names and locations removed for purposes of anonymity). 8:30 PM–I arrived at the dorm room in Rubenstein Hall. After […]

  • OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

    There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken campus seems to have forgotten about […]

  • forest-hall

    Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga

    FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies Department’s production of The Vagina Monologues, […]

  • bernie-ugbc

    Here’s How Bernie Sanders Can Still Win The UGBC Election

    Have no fear, youth of America — Bernie Sanders can still win the UGBC election this week. How? It’s simple. If everyone votes for Bernie, he will win. I’m still baffled that this plain fact continues to elude people. If everyone voted like me, a white, 19-year-old Poli-Sci student from Brooklyn, then we wouldn’t be […]

  • lovedazwin

    Addazio Sends Himself Flowers, Chocolates For Valentine’s Day

    ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them for himself. ‘Daz appeared visibly excited […]

Featured

lovedazwin

Addazio Sends Himself Flowers, Chocolates For Valentine’s Day

ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them for himself. ‘Daz appeared visibly excited […]

screen-shot-2018-02-13-at-12-19-44-pm

3 Easy Ways To Kick Your Juul Habit

Recently, studies from your friend’s roommate’s sister’s doctor have reportedly linked Juuls to an increased risk of heart disease and lung cancer. We took it upon ourselves to compile a list of three simple tricks to knock your Juul habit and keep those lungs healthy and cancer-free. 1. Replace Your Juul With A Pack of […]

a-couple-is-arguing-breaking-up-relationship-canon-5d-mk-iii_411jgmexg__f0000

Girlfriend Says “We Need To Be Men And Women For Seeing Other People”

WHITE MOUNTAIN CREAMERY — When sophomore Jesse McInnis (MCAS ‘20) was asked by his girlfriend Sarah Webster (CSON ‘20) to meet her at the ice cream parlor where they had gone on their first date, the last thing he was expecting was a breakup. On what would have been the one-year anniversary of their first […]

fake-fb3

Comedic Genius Leaves Witty Comment In Class Facebook Group

THE INTERNET — Eric Garnett (CSOM ‘20) was on a comedic tear in the Class of 2020 Facebook group last week after stumbling across multiple posts from people he knew. “If I see one of my friends post in the group, I automatically have to comment something funny and clever,” said Garnett, who claims he […]

chefs@thenewenglandclassic.com

Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.