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    An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy

    After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. (All names and locations removed for purposes of anonymity). 8:30 PM–I arrived at the dorm room in Rubenstein Hall. After […]

  • OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

    There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken campus seems to have forgotten about […]

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    Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga

    FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies Department’s production of The Vagina Monologues, […]

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    Here’s How Bernie Sanders Can Still Win The UGBC Election

    Have no fear, youth of America — Bernie Sanders can still win the UGBC election this week. How? It’s simple. If everyone votes for Bernie, he will win. I’m still baffled that this plain fact continues to elude people. If everyone voted like me, a white, 19-year-old Poli-Sci student from Brooklyn, then we wouldn’t be […]

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    Addazio Sends Himself Flowers, Chocolates For Valentine’s Day

    ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them for himself. ‘Daz appeared visibly excited […]

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We Spoke To One Of The BC Students Fighting For Your Right To A Rubber

One of our editors recently sat down with Connor Kratz, the co-president of the unofficial Students for Sexual Health club, about the upcoming UGBC referendum and what it means for the students of Boston College. He managed to make it through our gauntlet of questions—99% of which involved the word “fuck”—without getting up to leave. […]

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Banana In Backpack Just Happy To Tag Along For The Ride

O’NEILL LIBRARY – After opening her backpack to get a textbook, Sally Yekaterinburg (MCAS ‘19) caught a glimpse of the banana she had packed that morning. “I try to bring a little something healthy to snack on between classes, but I’m not really feeling it right now,” reported Yekaterinburg before zipping up her backpack again. […]

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Office of Student Involvement Unveils ‘Receding Leader Program’

CARNEY HALL — Citing a commitment to prepare students for realistic, stable career paths, the Office of Student Involvement unveiled a new program designed to impart incoming freshmen with all the necessary skills to spend the next 40-53 years of their lives as subordinates. “Here at OSI, we believe in ‘education of the whole machine’—not […]

Unraveling The Cheat Codes Conspiracy: Find Out The Common Link Between Plexapalooza And White Supremacy

Do you know who’s coming to your good Jesuit community for Plexapalooza? Allow us to Burst your Bubble. Fig. 1: a simple logo, featuring a strange shape in place of the letter A. What could this mean? Could this be the Illuminati’s handiwork? Oh you wish it was the Illuminati!   Let’s get a closer look at this figure…   […]

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