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    Distraught Freshman Girl Runs Away Down South In Search Of Sorority Big

    FORT WORTH, TX — Boston College freshman Sophia Brambleberry has reportedly left the Heights and moved to the southern United States in search of her very own sorority big sister. She has been camping out on the campus of Texas Christian University since Sunday, sleeping on the lawns of various fraternity houses and following crowds […]

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    Boston College Administrators Apparently Under Impression That Wheelchairs Have Jetpacks

    ACADEMIC QUAD — In an exclusive interview this afternoon about Boston College’s accessibility for people in wheelchairs, a duo of Boston College administrators seemed to not see the problem with the university’s possibly illegal deficit of wheelchair ramps and other typically standardized campus accessibility accommodations. The administrators’ lack of concern for the problems and headaches caused […]

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    “You Look Great Today,” Reports Robsham Window

    LOWER CAMPUS — Sitting there a little more reflective than usual today, the Robsham Window reportedly wanted to let you know how great you look today. “Damn! You look good as hell today. Is that a new shirt?” the Robsham Window told the press in a conference earlier this afternoon, adding that it would love to ask […]

  • Addazio Insists On Wearing Easter Bunny Costume To Spring Football Game

    Addazio Insists On Wearing Easter Bunny Costume To Spring Football Game

    ALUMNI STADIUM — It appears as if the most devoted Boston College Superfans may be treated to quite an unusual sight on Saturday, during the annual Jay McGillis Memorial Spring Game. Typically a day for Boston College families and sports fanatics to catch a sneak preview of the football team before the fall season, there […]

  • We Got High and Shouldn’t Have Written This Article

    Well it looks like this is where we’ve ended up, you guys. “What happened?” we bet you’re all wondering. “How did they get here?” Well, maybe we got a little bit too high and shouldn’t have written this article. As you may know, today is April 20th, the counterculture holiday for celebrating and consuming cannabis. […]

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Tour Guide Claims Gasson Tallest Building On East Coast

MIDDLE CAMPUS — Stretching the truth for the fifteenth time during the short tour of campus, Student Admission Program tour guide Maxine Alturn (MCAS ’18) claimed that Gasson Hall, with its 200 foot bell tower, was the tallest building on the East Coast. Stating the boldface lie with calm and confidence, the tour guide was […]

Leahy Prays To Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

Leahy Prays To Top Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

CARNEY HALL — On Sunday night, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College passed The Resolution Concerning Single Stall Restrooms, officially calling for a change in all strict male-or-female signage for the 18 single-stall restrooms in academic buildings on campus. In passing this resolution, UGBC has shown support and recognition for the safety of Boston College’s […]

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“I love my family and going to the movies,” Reports Intermediate Italian Student

LYONS HALL — Raising her hand for the first time in weeks, sophomore Katie Moskovitz (MCAS ‘19) informed her Intermediate Italian class Wednesday afternoon that she reportedly loved her “family and going to the movies.” Sources confirmed that her proclamation seemed credible, citing previous statements given by Moskovitz which suggested that her mother was “nice” and […]

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Paid Off By BC Administrators, God Rains Out Climate Justice Rally

EARTH — Due to a heavy rainfall, Tuesday afternoon’s Climate Justice at Boston College rally was forced to relocate from O’Neill Plaza to the Vanderslice Cabaret room. Although no foul play was suspected at first, an anonymous source has since come forward to confess that this was no mere “April shower.” Rather, the day’s torrential downpour […]

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