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    Distraught Freshman Girl Runs Away Down South In Search Of Sorority Big

    FORT WORTH, TX — Boston College freshman Sophia Brambleberry has reportedly left the Heights and moved to the southern United States in search of her very own sorority big sister. She has been camping out on the campus of Texas Christian University since Sunday, sleeping on the lawns of various fraternity houses and following crowds […]

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    Boston College Administrators Apparently Under Impression That Wheelchairs Have Jetpacks

    ACADEMIC QUAD — In an exclusive interview this afternoon about Boston College’s accessibility for people in wheelchairs, a duo of Boston College administrators seemed to not see the problem with the university’s possibly illegal deficit of wheelchair ramps and other typically standardized campus accessibility accommodations. The administrators’ lack of concern for the problems and headaches caused […]

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    “You Look Great Today,” Reports Robsham Window

    LOWER CAMPUS — Sitting there a little more reflective than usual today, the Robsham Window reportedly wanted to let you know how great you look today. “Damn! You look good as hell today. Is that a new shirt?” the Robsham Window told the press in a conference earlier this afternoon, adding that it would love to ask […]

  • Addazio Insists On Wearing Easter Bunny Costume To Spring Football Game

    Addazio Insists On Wearing Easter Bunny Costume To Spring Football Game

    ALUMNI STADIUM — It appears as if the most devoted Boston College Superfans may be treated to quite an unusual sight on Saturday, during the annual Jay McGillis Memorial Spring Game. Typically a day for Boston College families and sports fanatics to catch a sneak preview of the football team before the fall season, there […]

  • We Got High and Shouldn’t Have Written This Article

    Well it looks like this is where we’ve ended up, you guys. “What happened?” we bet you’re all wondering. “How did they get here?” Well, maybe we got a little bit too high and shouldn’t have written this article. As you may know, today is April 20th, the counterculture holiday for celebrating and consuming cannabis. […]

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Tragic: Hundreds Of Boston College Students Are From New Jersey

Hold onto your seats, folks, because we just heard the most terrible news. As it turns out, hundreds of Boston College students are from the state of New Jersey. Can you believe it? This heartbreaking news was made public by the Boston College Office of Undergraduate Admissions, who openly admitted that many of Boston College’s current students […]

Bubonic Plague Outbreak Traced Back To The Rat

Bubonic Plague Outbreak Traced Back To The Rat

MIDDLE [AGES] CAMPUS  — Over two thousand cases of Bubonic plague have been traced to Lyons Dining Hall, commonly referred to by the gentry as “The Rat.” As a result, a health erendrake promptly closed the dining hall late Friday afternoon. The outbreak seems to have been expedited by the banquet halls’ selection of bellytimber […]

Cousins Hook Up In Mods, Much To Parents' Delight

Cousins Hook Up In Mods, Much To Parents’ Delight

MOD 17A — Boſton College alumni from Houses Lancelyn and Wyliam received a joyous surprise yesterday: longtime marriage-alliance holdouts Matthew and Catherine, according to inside sources, “really got after it” in the Mods last fortweekend. Friends are skeptical of the couple’s intermingled bloodlines, but their parents are reportedly overjoyed. In an exclusive interview with scribes […]

OIP Offers New Crusade Program

OIP Offers New Crusade Program

OFFICE OF INTERNATIONAL PILLAGING — On Friday, the Kingdom of Chestnut Hill announced that starting in the springe of the year of our lord two-thousand-and-eighteen they will commence offering a “Crusade Program.” The new Crusade Program gives students the opportunity to not only experience another culture, but also work to radically change it. The program, […]

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