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    2,300 Diplomas Sent To BCBlackWhitePrintQueue

    O’NEILL LIBRARY — Mass hysteria erupted throughout the Heights on Monday morning, as University President Father William P. Leahy, S.J. announced that all diplomas for the Class of 2017 will be distributed digitally, and may only be accessed via the graduates’ individual print queues. This unconventional delivery method breaks from the 140-year-old tradition of handing […]

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    Campus Nerds Announce Plan To Hand In Finals Early

    BAPST LIBRARY — In a rallying cry to all nerds on campus, a group of bespectacled, tweed-wearing students took to the lawn of Bapst early Monday to announce a plan to turn in their final exams before even three-quarters of the exam time had passed. The proposal was heralded by the dweebs of Boston College […]

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    4 Students Die Of Dysentery On Journey For Empty Classroom To Study In

    STOKES SOUTH — Tragedy struck a group of 4 Boston College sophomores this afternoon, who all died of dysentery on the long and arduous journey in search of an empty classroom for their group to study in. The group set out on their quest with nothing but their books and a horse-drawn carriage shortly after […]

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    Sophomore Guy’s Masculinity Hanging On By Thread Of Embroidered Club Sports Patagonia

    THE RAT — After an exhausting semester that consisted of seemingly letdown after letdown, Dan Wellington’s (MCAS ’19) masculinity was reportedly entirely dependent on his embroidered Boston College Men’s Crew Patagonia Snap-T.  “I still don’t have a summer internship, I realized I don’t want to be friends with my roommates anymore, and I’m struggling finding […]

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    Professor With Doctorate Can’t Rotate PDF Documents

    BOSTONCOLLEGE.INSTRUCTURE.COM — Uploading documents to her class’ Canvas page, Professor Sheela McGuire, could not figure out how to rotate the PDF documents of readings she assigned her Gender & Sexuality class to do. As a result, the frustrated professor reportedly uploaded the documents sideways. “Uhh… my students should be able to figure this out,” said […]

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Health Services To Begin Inserting Tiny Crucifixes In Place of IUDs

2150 COMMONWEALTH AVE— In a stunning and unprecedented leap into the pool of twenty-first century healthcare, University Health Services has decided to hop on board with the reproductive rights movement that began almost exactly 57 years ago on May 9, 1960, when the FDA approved the first birth control pill. Starting in the fall, UHS […]

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I’m Running The Marathon And I’m Not Afraid To Admit It

You may have heard some of the rumors that have been floating around these past few months. Well, allow me to set the record straight: I’m running the Boston Marathon this year, and I’m not afraid to admit it. There, I said it. I know you must be shocked, appalled, perhaps even sick to your […]

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Tour Guide Claims Gasson Tallest Building On East Coast

MIDDLE CAMPUS — Stretching the truth for the fifteenth time during the short tour of campus, Student Admission Program tour guide Maxine Alturn (MCAS ’18) claimed that Gasson Hall, with its 200 foot bell tower, was the tallest building on the East Coast. Stating the boldface lie with calm and confidence, the tour guide was […]

Leahy Prays To Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

Leahy Prays To Top Donors, Trustees For Guidance On Gender-Neutral Bathrooms

CARNEY HALL — On Sunday night, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College passed The Resolution Concerning Single Stall Restrooms, officially calling for a change in all strict male-or-female signage for the 18 single-stall restrooms in academic buildings on campus. In passing this resolution, UGBC has shown support and recognition for the safety of Boston College’s […]

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