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    An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy

    After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. (All names and locations removed for purposes of anonymity). 8:30 PM–I arrived at the dorm room in Rubenstein Hall. After […]

  • OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

    There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken campus seems to have forgotten about […]

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    Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga

    FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies Department’s production of The Vagina Monologues, […]

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    Here’s How Bernie Sanders Can Still Win The UGBC Election

    Have no fear, youth of America — Bernie Sanders can still win the UGBC election this week. How? It’s simple. If everyone votes for Bernie, he will win. I’m still baffled that this plain fact continues to elude people. If everyone voted like me, a white, 19-year-old Poli-Sci student from Brooklyn, then we wouldn’t be […]

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    Addazio Sends Himself Flowers, Chocolates For Valentine’s Day

    ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them for himself. ‘Daz appeared visibly excited […]

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Freshman Lists Organ For Sale In Class Facebook Group

KOSTKA HALL — Late Sunday evening, Boston College freshman Gail Blatter took to the Official Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group to list one of her kidneys for sale. The post read, “Selling one of my kidneys! Near perfect condition, almost like new. Willing to negotiate price. Message me if interested!” According to Blatter, over […]

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New Classes For Street-Smart Students To Be Held On Comm Ave.

COMMONWEALTH AVE. — The Office of the University Core announced Thursday that Boston College students would soon have the opportunity to enroll in courses taught directly on Commonwealth Avenue. The classes, held in the middle of Boston’s beltway during rush hour, signals a key step in the University’s efforts to integrate its three main campuses. “In […]

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2150 Piano Replaced With Two Tiny Maracas And Communal Oboe

ST. THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Residents of 2150 were shocked this week to discover that their beloved lobby piano had disappeared without warning, replaced by two maracas sized for the fists of a newborn baby, and a single oboe with a ripped off piece of notebook paper taped to it, reading, “FOR SHARE.” The discovery […]

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UGBC Shutdown Ends, Entire Student Body Unaware

CHESTNUT HILL — After a stand-off of unprecedented length, the Undergraduate Government of Boston College ended a shutdown that lasted just over three days. According to a statement from the council, the shutdown began when members of UGBC were unable to agree whether to fund new door knobs for Carney Hall or new window locks for […]

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