• printdiploma

    2,300 Diplomas Sent To BCBlackWhitePrintQueue

    O’NEILL LIBRARY — Mass hysteria erupted throughout the Heights on Monday morning, as University President Father William P. Leahy, S.J. announced that all diplomas for the Class of 2017 will be distributed digitally, and may only be accessed via the graduates’ individual print queues. This unconventional delivery method breaks from the 140-year-old tradition of handing […]

  • a-nerd-conference

    Campus Nerds Announce Plan To Hand In Finals Early

    BAPST LIBRARY — In a rallying cry to all nerds on campus, a group of bespectacled, tweed-wearing students took to the lawn of Bapst early Monday to announce a plan to turn in their final exams before even three-quarters of the exam time had passed. The proposal was heralded by the dweebs of Boston College […]

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    4 Students Die Of Dysentery On Journey For Empty Classroom To Study In

    STOKES SOUTH — Tragedy struck a group of 4 Boston College sophomores this afternoon, who all died of dysentery on the long and arduous journey in search of an empty classroom for their group to study in. The group set out on their quest with nothing but their books and a horse-drawn carriage shortly after […]

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    Sophomore Guy’s Masculinity Hanging On By Thread Of Embroidered Club Sports Patagonia

    THE RAT — After an exhausting semester that consisted of seemingly letdown after letdown, Dan Wellington’s (MCAS ’19) masculinity was reportedly entirely dependent on his embroidered Boston College Men’s Crew Patagonia Snap-T.  “I still don’t have a summer internship, I realized I don’t want to be friends with my roommates anymore, and I’m struggling finding […]

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    Professor With Doctorate Can’t Rotate PDF Documents

    BOSTONCOLLEGE.INSTRUCTURE.COM — Uploading documents to her class’ Canvas page, Professor Sheela McGuire, could not figure out how to rotate the PDF documents of readings she assigned her Gender & Sexuality class to do. As a result, the frustrated professor reportedly uploaded the documents sideways. “Uhh… my students should be able to figure this out,” said […]


Cousins Hook Up In Mods, Much To Parents' Delight

Cousins Hook Up In Mods, Much To Parents’ Delight

MOD 17A — Boſton College alumni from Houses Lancelyn and Wyliam received a joyous surprise yesterday: longtime marriage-alliance holdouts Matthew and Catherine, according to inside sources, “really got after it” in the Mods last fortweekend. Friends are skeptical of the couple’s intermingled bloodlines, but their parents are reportedly overjoyed. In an exclusive interview with scribes […]

OIP Offers New Crusade Program

OIP Offers New Crusade Program

OFFICE OF INTERNATIONAL PILLAGING — On Friday, the Kingdom of Chestnut Hill announced that starting in the springe of the year of our lord two-thousand-and-eighteen they will commence offering a “Crusade Program.” The new Crusade Program gives students the opportunity to not only experience another culture, but also work to radically change it. The program, […]

Club Club Jousting Places Second At Tournamente

Club Club Jousting Places 2nd at Tournamente

FAR FAR AWAY — Boſton College Club Club Jousting placed second at the annual Natiounal Clubbe Jousting Tournamente in the faraway kingdom of Raleigh, North Carolina last Sunday night. The men performed much better than was expected, and the team only lost 3 members over the weekend as a result. Memorial services will be held […]

Sir Steve Addazio's Army on Eight-War Losing Streak

Sir Steve Addazio’s Army on Eight-War Losing Streak

ALUMNI CASTLE — The maroon and gold-striped white flag has finally been raised; Sir Steve Addazio’s four-year war against the Kingdom of Forrest’s Wake is over at long last. This marks Sir Steve’s eighth straight military loss in the past three decades (not including his many victories against non-European Atlantic Coast Conference kingdoms), and many […]


Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.