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    An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy

    After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. (All names and locations removed for purposes of anonymity). 8:30 PM–I arrived at the dorm room in Rubenstein Hall. After […]

  • OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

    There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken campus seems to have forgotten about […]

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    Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga

    FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies Department’s production of The Vagina Monologues, […]

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    Here’s How Bernie Sanders Can Still Win The UGBC Election

    Have no fear, youth of America — Bernie Sanders can still win the UGBC election this week. How? It’s simple. If everyone votes for Bernie, he will win. I’m still baffled that this plain fact continues to elude people. If everyone voted like me, a white, 19-year-old Poli-Sci student from Brooklyn, then we wouldn’t be […]

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    Addazio Sends Himself Flowers, Chocolates For Valentine’s Day

    ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them for himself. ‘Daz appeared visibly excited […]

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2000s Pop Hits To Help Drown Out The Sound Of Your Roommate Crying

Sometimes our roommates cry, and sometimes we aren’t that great friends and we don’t want to get involved! Here are some of our favorite songs from the 2000s that you can play through your headphones to cover the sound of your roommate crying! 1. Beyoncé – Crazy In Love ft. JAY-Z Beyoncé and JAY-Z collaborated in […]

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That Ornament Doesn’t Go There

YOUR PARENTS’ HOUSE – No, honey, that doesn’t go there. No, it doesn’t! That’s a strong branch, and you’ve got a hollow ornament on it. And that’s not even a special one, it doesn’t belong on front side. That’s a souvenir from Jenny’s trip to Fort Knox. We don’t need a plastic, spray-painted gold bar […]

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Confused Freshman Shouts “Communication” From Gasson Tower, Declares Major

GASSON HALL — Boston College Police reported that late Monday night, freshman RJ Skurry was sighted perched ominously at the top of the Gasson bell tower in a misguided attempt to declare his major. Witnesses to the incident reported he then leaned back and in a trembling, climactic scream announced, “Communication!” “I remember being in […]

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