• 78268691

    An Inside Look Into The Students For Sexual Health Orgy

    After several years of hard work, research, and intense love-making, The New England Classic is happy to report that one of our reporters was invited to the highly exclusive bi-weekly orgy hosted by the Students for Sexual Health. (All names and locations removed for purposes of anonymity). 8:30 PM–I arrived at the dorm room in Rubenstein Hall. After […]

  • OPINION: Guns Don’t Kill People, Condoms Kill People

    There’s a lot of talk right now about the Second Amendment and the need to increase firearms regulations. Well, the joke’s on you, because I’ve read the Constitution, and it’s pretty clear that people have a right to own guns, so there. And honestly, I don’t really care, because this entire God-forsaken campus seems to have forgotten about […]

  • forest-hall

    Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga

    FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies Department’s production of The Vagina Monologues, […]

  • bernie-ugbc

    Here’s How Bernie Sanders Can Still Win The UGBC Election

    Have no fear, youth of America — Bernie Sanders can still win the UGBC election this week. How? It’s simple. If everyone votes for Bernie, he will win. I’m still baffled that this plain fact continues to elude people. If everyone voted like me, a white, 19-year-old Poli-Sci student from Brooklyn, then we wouldn’t be […]

  • lovedazwin

    Addazio Sends Himself Flowers, Chocolates For Valentine’s Day

    ALUMNI STADIUM — While overseeing football practice today, head coach Steve Addazio received a special delivery of a dozen red roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Although Addazio claimed the treats “must be from a secret admirer,” members of the team are certain that their coach purchased them for himself. ‘Daz appeared visibly excited […]


Trustee Indicted For Colluding With Student Concerns

GASSON HALL — Boston College announced charges against trustee Richard Maloney (MCAS ‘76) on Friday, laying out explicit evidence suggesting that he colluded with student concerns on several instances since his appointment to the Board of Trustees in 2012. Maloney surrendered to BCPD and pled guilty to charges that he sympathized with the student body […]


Last Reference To Hopes And Dreams Deleted From Resume

CHESTNUT HILL — Driven by the fear of looking unprofessional and a desire to convey maturity, Boston College junior Flynn Carter deleted the line “Assistant Director – 2015 Libertyville High Musical” from his resume Monday night. Like many juniors in the midst of the summer internship hunt, Carter realized that when it comes to the […]

Report: Lonely Student Probably Not Using That Chair

EAGLE’S NEST — A study done by the Boston College Sociology department revealed that the lonely student a few tables over from you in the Rat is most likely not using that chair. “Are you using this chair?” asked participants in the study to students sitting alone in the middle of long tables in the […]

Introducing… SandwichBot3000!

After months of development The NEC is finally debuting our new artificial intelligence technology SandwichBot3000, an automated content generating system capable of writing humor articles even faster than before! We are still working out a few bugs, but we’re confident we’ll have a fully automated writing staff by 2024. The future is now! Lazy CSOM […]


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