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    2,300 Diplomas Sent To BCBlackWhitePrintQueue

    O’NEILL LIBRARY — Mass hysteria erupted throughout the Heights on Monday morning, as University President Father William P. Leahy, S.J. announced that all diplomas for the Class of 2017 will be distributed digitally, and may only be accessed via the graduates’ individual print queues. This unconventional delivery method breaks from the 140-year-old tradition of handing […]

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    Campus Nerds Announce Plan To Hand In Finals Early

    BAPST LIBRARY — In a rallying cry to all nerds on campus, a group of bespectacled, tweed-wearing students took to the lawn of Bapst early Monday to announce a plan to turn in their final exams before even three-quarters of the exam time had passed. The proposal was heralded by the dweebs of Boston College […]

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    4 Students Die Of Dysentery On Journey For Empty Classroom To Study In

    STOKES SOUTH — Tragedy struck a group of 4 Boston College sophomores this afternoon, who all died of dysentery on the long and arduous journey in search of an empty classroom for their group to study in. The group set out on their quest with nothing but their books and a horse-drawn carriage shortly after […]

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    Sophomore Guy’s Masculinity Hanging On By Thread Of Embroidered Club Sports Patagonia

    THE RAT — After an exhausting semester that consisted of seemingly letdown after letdown, Dan Wellington’s (MCAS ’19) masculinity was reportedly entirely dependent on his embroidered Boston College Men’s Crew Patagonia Snap-T.  “I still don’t have a summer internship, I realized I don’t want to be friends with my roommates anymore, and I’m struggling finding […]

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    Professor With Doctorate Can’t Rotate PDF Documents

    BOSTONCOLLEGE.INSTRUCTURE.COM — Uploading documents to her class’ Canvas page, Professor Sheela McGuire, could not figure out how to rotate the PDF documents of readings she assigned her Gender & Sexuality class to do. As a result, the frustrated professor reportedly uploaded the documents sideways. “Uhh… my students should be able to figure this out,” said […]

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Biology Department Engineers Next Generation Of Orientation Leader

HIGGINS HALL — Speaking at a crowded press conference this afternoon, Boston College biology professor Elizabeth Ryan proudly unveiled the latest generation of Orientation Leader, which she and her team of world-class scientists spent the greater part of the last year genetically engineering. “The 2017 edition is by far the most powerful breed we’ve ever […]

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Harvard Reject In Honors Program Not Bitter About It Anymore, Alright?

MEDEIROS C — Venturing out from her achievement-laden dorm room, freshman Sammy Laude (MCAS ‘20) announced today that she has finally gotten over her rejection from Harvard University. An alumna of an elite New England preparatory school, the Lexington, MA native explained that she had been quietly struggling with feelings of inadequacy after getting rejected from […]

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Roommate From Faraway Land Where No One Fucking Cleans, Apparently

VOUTE 311 — Rummaging through a seemingly endless pile of dirty plates and pans, senior Alberto Parenté concluded that his roommate, who is being kept anonymous for his safety, must be a from a faraway land where no one fucking cleans, apparently. “There is absolutely no way a sane human being would leave such a […]

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Men’s Basketball Making Transition To Dance Team To Increase Attendance

CONTE FORUM — Speaking to the press this morning, interim athletic director Chad Thates announced that one of his first moves as the interim director of Boston College Athletics as athletic director would be to oversee the transformation of the Boston College men’s basketball team into a dance group. Thates told the press that he came to this decision […]

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