Report: Lonely Student Probably Not Using That Chair

EAGLE’S NEST — A study done by the Boston College Sociology department revealed that the lonely student a few tables over from you in the Rat is most likely not using that chair.

“Are you using this chair?” asked participants in the study to students sitting alone in the middle of long tables in the popular lunch spot.

The subjects of the study, chosen for their inexplicable decision to eat in solitude in one of Boston College’s most heavily frequented locales, reportedly gave up their unused seats in 91 percent of the trials. The most common responses included, “Nah, go for it,” “Yeah, no, of course,” and the silent but effective pursed-lips-and-head-shake combo.

Professor Talia Stauber, the lead researcher, argues that the study’s findings are indicative of a larger issue plaguing dining halls all around campus: the unequal distribution of chairs.

“There are enough chairs at Boston College for every student to sit down for lunch between the hours of 11:00 AM and 2:00 PM,” said Stauber. “The problem isn’t a lack of chairs. It’s figuring out how we can take chairs from people sitting alone and giving them to people who need them most, whether that’s a group project meeting, a spontaneous club lunch, or just an abnormally large friend group.”

“It’s the worst when like, three people in a row ask for a chair,” said sophomore Julian Morgan in an exit interview. “Obviously I’m not using those chairs, but it feels like an attack at that point.”

Morgan went on to say that people would usually refrain from asking if there was only one empty chair left.

“That’s always nice, because maybe someone I know will come sit with me. I usually just use it for my backpack, though.”

Stauber emphasized that the problem is not limited to dining halls. During finals week, study spots like O’Neill or that weird room in the back of Stokes South are equally affected.

“The fact that there are classrooms on Carney 3 overflowing with desks yet there are still people wandering the library looking for open carrels is inexcusable,” Stauber said. “Every butt deserves a seat, in my opinion.”


Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.