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Girlfriend Says “We Need To Be Men And Women For Seeing Other People”

WHITE MOUNTAIN CREAMERY — When sophomore Jesse McInnis (MCAS ‘20) was asked by his girlfriend Sarah Webster (CSON ‘20) to meet her at the ice cream parlor where they had gone on their first date, the last thing he was expecting was a breakup. On what would have been the one-year anniversary of their first Kerry Cronin-mandated date assignment, he met her with high hopes of another intellectually stimulating conversation bookended by two A-frame hugs.

Once there, however, her serious expression and complete and utter lack of an ice cream order indicated to him that they would not be spending the next forty-five minutes to an hour discussing Aristophanes’ The Clouds or their recent experiences on Halftime.

“You know how Father Pedro Arrupe said, ‘fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything?’” Ms. Webster opened, continuing, “Well… I think I’ve decided we need to be men and women for seeing other people. I’m looking for magis in a relationship.”

McInnis tearfully told The Classic, “I can’t believe she just decided to set our relationship aflame like that. I really thought we were going to get married someday right here at BC.” The breakup, which seems to have completely blindsided the young man, is proving to be his crucible. Like St. Ignatius Loyola himself, during this convalescent period McInnis has turned to stories of the lives of the saints and vigorous Spiritual Exercises, namely Club Hockey.

At press time, Webster was overheard telling her friends that she “would love to still be friends (of utility) with her ex.” McInnis was seen finding God in all things—including Blue Raspberry Rubi mixed with Simply Lemonade.

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