SHOCKING: Skittles Behind SCOTUS Gay Marriage Ruling

In what is unveiling itself to be a marketing stunt for the ages, Skittles appears to have hired a historic amount of lobbyists to influence the Supreme Court’s ruling on the legality of gay marriage. Mars, Inc., owner of Skittles, reportedly spent over $70,000,000 in 2015 on lobbying money to sway the Supreme Court’s ruling. Comparatively, the pharmaceutical industry spent around $65,000,000 on lobbying in 2015 and gas companies spent around $34,000,000.

Samuel T. Pinkerton, a lobbyist hired by Mars, Inc., remarked that yesterday’s SCOTUS decision is a shocking portrait of big business’ power in Washington: “Celebrate all you want for the historic decision, but just remember that nothing can get done in Washington these days without corporate influence and corporate money. The amount of money Skittles poured into influencing this decision to make rainbows all the rage makes oil companies look like little bitches, honestly.”

Despite the massive capital put behind the decision in the Capitol (nice pun, The New England Classic), Skittles looks to eventually profit from their investment:

“Now that rainbows are all over social media and pride parades and even the White House, this decision is a huge victory for the Skittles brand. Our experts are predicting sales will be through the roof next quarter and will only continue to rise. It’s all about the brand, baby!” said Jamie Woon (CSOM ’92), who secretly wishes she did something else with her life because she’s miserable and she regrets every career decision she’s ever made in marketing because at the end of the day her job is to make people want what they don’t need. “Branding! Rainbows are everywhere! Branding!” said Woon as she wiped her hysterical tears with her old financial accounting textbook.

The gay community has a gigantic market power, especially with all of their “fabulous” upcoming weddings. Skittles intends on capitalizing on this wonderful opportunity to make money by coming out with special edition “Taste The Rainbow ;)” wedding cakes.

At press time, marijuana lobbyists were getting ready for their moment in the spotlight as the “next big thing” to get legalized.



Legal: The NEC is a dope work of satire.