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Student At Party Reportedly Coming Out Of Cage, Doing Just Fine

VANDERSLICE HALL — Standing in the middle of an eight-person suite filled to maximum capacity, Rebecca Johnson (LSOE ’19) reportedly proclaimed that she is “doing just fine” after “coming out of her cage.” Johnson, who screamed this realization at the top of her lungs, was reportedly met with widespread approval after her announcement. Eyewitnesses confirmed that the partygoers, Johnson’s friends and strangers alike, hugged Johnson and overwhelmed her with positive affirmation. “I’m thrilled to see that Rebecca came out of her cage. Is it a metaphorical cage, or was she literally trapped in a cage in an off-campus basement? I’m not sure, but thank God she’s out of it, and doing just fine. At press time, Johnson thought her stomach was sick, but quickly realized it was all in her head.

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