a-nerd-conference

Campus Nerds Announce Plan To Hand In Finals Early

BAPST LIBRARY — In a rallying cry to all nerds on campus, a group of bespectacled, tweed-wearing students took to the lawn of Bapst early Monday to announce a plan to turn in their final exams before even three-quarters of the exam time had passed. The proposal was heralded by the dweebs of Boston College as a “call to arms they could all get behind.”

“Hell yeah, we’ll be leaving early!” one particularly brainy young lady told reporters, before breathing deeply from an inhaler. “It’ll be a miracle if the rest of the pea-brains in my Econometrics class even get to the short answer section before I’m out the door!”

Besides expressing the firm intention to “be out of there way before everyone else,” other details of the plan included asking unsuspecting classmates difficult review questions shortly before the exam begins, as well as a firm resolution that “all students of higher than average intelligence shall loudly flip the pages of all tests.” Although few details were provided, it is evident that the two main goals of this plan are to impress the cool kids and to get more time to play League of Legends, probably.

“For the next week, the students of Boston College will be forced to watch us stand up, take one last look at the answers we already know are correct, and then hand in the test before sauntering out of the room,” one fucking nerd reported while adjusting his glasses. “They’re gonna fucking love it, and if my calculations are correct, they’ll love us too.”

In speaking to several brainiacs attending the hastily thrown together press conference, The Classic has noticed an overwhelmingly positive response to the plan. “This is honestly my favorite week of the year!” exclaimed a scrawny guy wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. “Except maybe spring break, when campus is finally quiet enough for me to get some quality studying done.”

When asked for comment, campus jocks declined to respond, instead directing reporters’ attention to their five-year plan to lift lots of heavy things and raise at least $2 million in funding for knocking books out of dweebs’ hands.


This article was originally published as part of The Classic’s Spring 2017 print issue. A digital copy of the issue is now available for download.

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